Shout out to my exes

I have been obsessed with music my entire life.

I grew up as a dancer. Both of my parents were huge music fans. I went to an arts high school. I taught dance. Almost every moment of my life has been backed by a soundtrack of some variation.

Cooking alone in my apartment? Hamilton.

Taking a shower? A playlist called Hairbrush Karaoke.

Getting ready to go out? Britney Spears and other 2010 pop divas.

Walking literally anywhere? Fall Out Boy.

With all this it’s really no shock that I have songs that remind me of certain relationships and people from my past and my present. Nobody asked for this, but please join me in a musical analysis of people from my past – from the on and mostly off again high school fling and the guy that took me on my first real date than ghosted, to the intense crush during one summer and the fake flirtationships when I was bored, and finally to meeting my wildflower.

R. On/Off thing; inspiration for all my revenge and heartbreak style pieces.

Listen. You really fucked me up for a long time, and I’ll never get to tell you that in person (thank god) but like maybe someday you’ll see this and know. You were kind of terrible to me. Throughout the entirety of our 13 months (but realistically 3 year) thing I listened to “13 Tales of Love and Revenge” by The Pierces a lot. This is a great breakup album btw. But here are the top songs that I associate with you.

Ruin. Truly your name is the first thing that comes to mind when I hear this song and that is anyone ever needs to know about us.

Go to Hell. This is a new song but again explains my current feelings towards you. I wish you all the best, but don’t contact me ever again.

There are so many more but this post isn’t about you dude.

M. The friend then first date then unexpected ghosting.

Alright, you were a great guy but we were always better as friends I think. I will also give you credit for sending me a lengthy apology and rekindling our friendship 3 years after the fact. I would like to offer an apology for later ghosting you 6 months after our friendship restarted. I don’t have any bad feelings towards you.

Fourth of July. Truly the thing I was most hurt by was that we had made plans to see fireworks and never got to. I think we had potential but I think we were two scared kids and then two very different adults. We just went off too soon.

–. The summer crush I thought got away.

We’re still casual friends so I won’t say much. I don’t even want to use a letter because I think while I had strong feelings at the time, it never would have worked and tbh I’m really glad it didn’t.

Hang with Me. You’re a cool person. I think you were interested in me and by the time I clued in the summer had ended. I think we could have been fun but it probably would have been quite toxic. I’m happy with how things actually went (or didn’t) with us.

C. The one that was there.

Okay, so looking back I realize that I didn’t really have any real romantic interest in you. And if we’re being honest, you had a girlfriend – I have no idea why you took me out for coffee and sent me drunk and flirty texts. In my defense I had no idea about the girlfriend until I insta stalked him. I stopped immediately after that.

Break Up with your Girlfriend I’m Bored. Not proud of this one, but really this is what we were to a T.

Wildflower. My Love, my buddy, my favourite. The reason why no body else worked out and honestly thank god I met you.

I’m so excited for this one!! The longer Wildflower and I date, the more songs I get to add to our soundtrack. I actually have a full playlist of songs that remind me of falling in love with you in the summer. After all the other songs, I hope these ones tell the story of a love I’ve been keeping mostly to myself.

Come Home With Me. Aside from making me obsessed with Zolita, this song tells the story of a softer love and sexual relationship than I think we’re used to. I love the line “we don’t have to tell nobody” because something that I’ve done differently in this relationship is that I haven’t felt the need to share all the little and intimate details with other people. Our relationship is great because we’re both present; not because I’m looking for validation from other people.

Can’t Help Falling in Love. This song was on a constant loop in my head when I realized I was falling in love with Wildflower. I remember the day very clearly. We had a lazy Sunday and I was walking home in the late afternoon humming this song. After a few days of listening to this song and always singing it I realized that I wasn’t so much as falling, but floating. Falling in love with her is so connected in my mind to this song – I will forever associate it with her.

Electric Love. I had actually never heard this song until Wildflower told me it was one of her favourite songs and that it reminded her of us. It’s such a positive upbeat song. I’m happy to include it here and so happy of our electric love. There are so many more I could list, but I’ll save them for another day.

 

As you can tell there is a huge shift from the songs I associate with revenge and casual crushes to the songs I associate with a very happy lovely person in my life. Maybe no one else cares about this musical analysis, but I had fun making it and reflecting back on my past. I have grown so much as a person in the last two years, this relationship and these songs really reflect that for me.

What songs do you associate with your ex? What songs do you associate with your partner? Let me know in the comments below!

-Red Hot

What Emerald Wants

The last six months have been a whirlwind (more on that later), and a lot of my time has been dedicated to my thesis research, presenting my thesis research, and beginning the writing or pre-writing phase. During this process, I have heard over and over again that my project is promising for a PhD, or that a certain university has its eyes on me and my project, or declarations of “when you do your PhD…” I have been asked to present in numerous classroom or public lecture settings. I have been asked to write a chapter based on my research for a book. I was asked to be part of a panel for a conference on Sacred Mountains.

From an outside perspective I have it all. I am succeeding in academia. I should be ecstatic and grasping at every opportunity that comes my way as a way to further my academic future and career.

But from an insider perspective? I am exhausted.

I don’t particularly like grad school. I think the research I am doing interests me (most of the time) and that I am going to have a good written thesis when it is done, but then I am done.

I’ve been going to counselling a lot recently. I completely burned out a few weekends ago. I spent four hours sobbing because I don’t have a dog. I went on anti-depressants. I’ve yelled at my girlfriend. I had a really bad panic attack on Friday.

I am overwhelmed. I am done being a student.

I expressed these thoughts to my counselor. I told her what everyone else wants me to do. So many people in my life right now are pushing me to do that PhD. If not immediately than within the next few years. I am being pushed to consider jobs in academia. I am told over and over again that I have a great project for a PhD.

That’s great. I know I could succeed in a PhD. I have no doubts about my ability to design and research an extension of my current project. I have no doubts that I would write and successfully defend a dissertation. But I do have doubts about my sanity. I would hate myself if I did a PhD right now. In doing that I would be putting everyone else’s wants before my own needs and my own wants.

“So what do you want?” This is the question my counselor asked me. At first I was tricky to answer what “I want”. It makes me feel selfish and I struggle with putting my wants over my shoulds. I don’t want a PhD but maybe I should do one.

So I started referring to myself in the third person. Because it’s much easier to know and express what Emerald wants. Emerald is someone else that I need to take care of. Emerald needs someone to speak up for her. I am both Emerald and the one making sure Emerald gets what she wants.

Yesterday I sat in a boring budget discussion as part of a conference. It had been a long day after a long night of delayed flights and no airport pick ups. I felt like I should have stayed and tired to power through the meeting even though my energy was low. I took a moment to ask what Emerald wanted. She wanted a hot chocolate, a small break, and food with more substance than the candy they were providing. I listened to Emerald. I got up and we went to a coffee shop around the corner from the hotel. We were happy.

I’ve been in a long phase of learning how to break from my student identity. How to be whole and happy without putting school first all the damn time. Emerald’s wants are just another step of that.

Here are some more of what Emerald wants:

• Emerald wants to move back to a big city.
• Emerald wants a place she can start making her home.
• Emerald wants a dog.
• Emerald wants to build a family.
• Emerald wants a more permanent full-time job.
• Emerald wants to dance again.
• Emerald wants to write again.
• Emerald wants to kickbox again.
• Emerald wants to save money.
• Emerald wants to get married.
• Emerald wants a job where she can be creative.
• Emerald wants to come back to this blog again.
• Emerald wants to continue finding ways to be happy.

-Red Hot

I dropped my heart

I dropped my heart in Hawai’i.

Can you find it?

Past Lili’uokalani’s gardens, near the sea.

 

I dropped my heart in Hawai’i.

I know she’s okay.

She’s happier than she’ll ever be.

 

I dropped my heart in Hawai’i.

Do you know where?

Near big black rocks and low hanging trees.

 

I dropped my heart in Hawai’i.

In the ocean, to be exact,

That’s where she’ll be.

 

I dropped my heart in Hawai’i.

Do you see her?

I want to know if she’ll ever come back to me.

 

I dropped my heart in Hawai’i.

Past the gardens, over volcanic rocks, under low hanging trees, right in the ocean.

Thank god, she’s free.

I am more than a student

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about who I am outside of academia. Who am I outside of being a student?

It’s tricky because I’ve been a student since I was 5 years old. I’m in my 6th year of University. I’m not quite sure what my life looks like outside of school. But if you recall, earlier this summer I went to a conference and it was there that I decided that I didn’t want to stay in academia. Since then I have been looking forward to what my life might look like when I’m no longer a student. I’m looking forward to being done school. To having a consistent income. To being able to save money. To have some permanence in my living situation. To start my family.

I’m looking forward to it, but it’s also come to my attention that I should be caring about myself while I’m in school. As a grad student, I have seen so many friends get pushed into the idea that their life is school and nothing else. Supervisors have unrealistic expectations. Students are punished or reprimanded for taking a break – whether a vacation, or a weekend to spend with their partner. There’s this idea in grad school that in order to succeed, you have to give up everything else.

I’m lucky. I have two amazing supervisors, who honestly hate a lot about the academic system. I told one of my supervisors last week that I only come to campus when I have meetings because I prefer to work from home. He was fine with this and encouraged it even though it means he can’t check in with me randomly or watch everything I do like some other supervisors I know.

I’m also lucky in the sense that I’m at the point where I don’t care if I succeed.

This isn’t my life path. My future doesn’t hinge on how well I’m doing in grad school. My future only needs me to get the degree and survive. Anything else is extra.

I’m trying to move away from being Emerald the Student. I want to be Emerald, who also happens to be a student right now.

So who am I?

I am a twenty-somethings woman. I am an Ontarian. I am a city girl, but I am also someone who has lived in small towns.

I enjoy reading. Preferably hard covers. I am someone who picks books largely based on what covers draw my eyes. I also tend to read the same authors over and over again.

I enjoy arts and crafts. I like bullet journaling. I like making Halloween costumes. I like painting. I like making seasonal decorations. I like anything that involves glitter and hot glue.

I am a Virgo sun and a Scorpio moon. I love learning about the nitty gritty details of astrology and seeing how that contributes to my life. I like sharing my interest with other people. I like explaining things as more than just a “I’m a total Virgo” and typical white girl astrology memes.

I am a home body. I like my couch and Netflix. I like being wrapped up in blankets. I like staying in.

I am a cook. Something I never thought I would say and up until a few years ago it really didn’t look like I would have the basic cooking skills to survive on my own. Now I set aside time to cook delicious meals. I find cooking grounds me in a way that I never expected. I like cooking for the people I care about and more often than not that turns into me trying new recipes out on my girlfriend.

I enjoy trashy TV. And for some reason I’m still watching Riverdale.

I am a writer. I don’t always write as much as I used to or as much as I like, but I’m trying to get back into it and to look at it as being a part of me, and not just something to do when I’m done being a student.

I enjoy social media. I like sharing photos of moments in my life and selfies when I feel good (or want attention – depending on the day).

I enjoy watching Youtube videos about ghost hunting and history retold in a fun and exciting way. I enjoy watching mini documentaries and learning in a way outside of school.

I am SO much more than a student. In fact, being a student is just a minor part of my personality.

 

Who are you outside of school? Do you struggle with identifying yourself or making time for yourself outside of school? I’d love to hear about your own experiences!

-Red Hot

It’s okay to just be okay.

I know the saying we hear a lot is that it’s okay to not be okay. That’s still true and important, but this is for the people who exist in the extremes. This is for the people like me who see good days and bad days with nothing in between. It’s okay to just be okay.

If you’ve met me, you probably know that I am a very ambitious person. I’m always creating and reaching for new goals. And more often than not, I’m successful in achieving those goals.

So why do I feel like a failure?

If you’ve met me, you know I’m ambitious, but if you truly know me you know that I am a perfectionist. And as me, I’m here to tell you that I have equated perfection with not failing and anything less than perfect (or you know, actually attainable) is failure.

In my most recent therapy session I was asked to show the evidence of my supposed failure. As someone who has lived in this body and mind for 23 years, the question seemed daunting. Where did I start? I’ve spent the years since high school over-analyzing everything I’ve ever done or reached towards. And when I didn’t hit perfection (which again is UNATTAINABLE) I would beat myself up over it because if I wasn’t perfect then I was failing.

I thought about this question. I couldn’t say I failed at grad school. Even though it feels like that most days, the truth is I’m not. It’s hard but I’m doing well, and more importantly I’m trying my best. I couldn’t say I was failing in my personal life. I’ve maintained all my important friendships despite living in a different province for a year. I still communicate with my family regularly. I have a wonderful partner. My life is very different than it was a year ago, but I’m not failing and different isn’t bad. I couldn’t say I failed at my goals this year. I succeeded in moving across the country. I succeeded in presenting at 3 conferences this summer – one of which was an international conference. I succeeded in securing a scholarship to help me keep studying. I’ve done so much. I’d hardly call it failing.

My answer ended up being because “I’m not happy when I should be.”

This is something I’m still working on. I live in extremes – thinking that if I’m not having the worst day than it needs to be the best. If I wake up on the wrong side of the bed, I turned that day into a dramatically sad day. Or, if I wake up feeling slightly off, I’ll do everything I can to make it a great day, and then punish myself when I’m not happy. If I’m not happy, I must be sad. And if I’m sad I must be failing.

It’s a vicious cycle.

Today started as a crappy day. But instead of making it the worst day ever, I’m trying to make it okay. I’m trying to be okay with my day just being okay.

We’re encouraged to be happy all the time, but we’re told that it’s okay when we’re sad too. The truth is, life doesn’t happen in extremes. Sometimes you have days that are just okay. And that’s okay too.

-Red Hot

Wildflower.

For the life of me I can’t remember what was said.

I remember my hand holding yours. I remember being on the verge of sleep. I remember feeling so calm.

I remember you saying something about being the light. I remember whispering I was happy.

---

You surprised me today.

I had a bad day (I’ve been under a lot of stress lately). I told you I didn’t remember eating lunch. You took me out for dinner. I stood close to you while we waited for our food – nuzzling my chin into your neck.

We sat down and you bite into a fry and for some reason I thought it was the cutest thing. At dinner, we talked about proposals. I told you I’d elope tomorrow if you asked me to.

I meant it.

Back in my bed, I stared into your eyes. It’s cliche but I truly do get lost in them. We teased and laughed, and I whispered promises of homes and forevers.

---

We’re cuddling on the couch,

drinking wine and eating chocolate and I can’t help but think that my entire life has been leading up to this moment.

Anxiety is…

Anxiety is getting an unexpected week off work and thinking you did something wrong.

Anxiety is going back to work and having a stomachache every day because you still feel like you did something wrong.

I did nothing wrong.

Anxiety is finally seeing your dream of going to Hawaii, but being too scared and stressed to do any of the planning.

Anxiety is freezing and avoiding trip planning because even if you know it has to be done, it’s still hard to jump over that obstacle.

I’m so excited!

Anxiety is waking up next to your favourite person and having a feeling that you made her mad.

Anxiety is the repetition of “you’re annoying, you’re annoying, you’re annoying.”

She wants to be with you.

Anxiety is clawing at your head because the voices are mean and you can’t get them to stop and you don’t know if they’ll ever stop.

Anxiety is the wet feel of your face beneath your fingers.

I need to be kinder. 

Anxiety is sitting on the floor crying, not be able to move but knowing that there are 15 other more important things that you need to be doing.

Anxiety is apologizing for all the times you’ve said sorry today because even though you know there is nothing to apologize for, it’s really fucking tough.

It’s okay.

Anxiety is all of this and so much more.

Anxiety is behind closed doors, late nights under blankets, and smiles to strangers and loved ones that don’t quite reach the eyes.

I live with anxiety and some days it’s a lot worse than others. But it always makes me stronger.

 

Your Goals Are Going to Change

Your goals are going to change. And that’s okay.

This is something I’ve been telling myself a lot lately., and while I’m not sure I’ve entirely convinced myself yet, I know I’m pretty great at telling everyone else the advice I need.

This last year has been full of continuous changes for me. Most of them have been great; all of them have been hard.

Last year I was still living in Ontario. I was squeezing in last minute trips, experiences, adventures, and moments with my family and friends. I was in Ikea shopping for everything I might possibly need while on my own. I was packing all my suitcases and tons of boxes. I was procrastinating packing those suitcases and boxes. I had a meltdown because I couldn’t find my Nintendo DS and that needed to be a distraction from the fact that I was picking up my life and moving across the country. I was making promises to be back for the summer. My mom was telling me that it was okay if I didn’t – it was okay if I stayed out there for the summer.

She knew.

She knew I was going to meet a nice islander and fall in love with summer on this island. She knew and she told me it was okay before I needed it.

So it’s been a year of change. And emotions. So many emotions. The highs have been very high: finally feeling like I’ve got some footing, being proud of what I’m accomplishing, loving living out of my parents house and on my own schedule, meeting new people. But the lows have been so low: wanting to go home, feeling like a fake or fraud, scared of being gone forever, wanting to be gone forever, missing my family, being pulled in two directions, feeling out of place again, not connecting with my peers and desperately wanting my squad back home.

Somewhere along the way, what I wanted for my future no longer seemed to fit. For as long as I can remember I have always joked about wanting a PhD so I could be Dr. Emerald and not a Miss or Mrs. I’ve always hated the idea of eventually being a Mrs. and so Dr. seemed like a nice alternative.

I’ve always enjoyed school; I’ve always had to work hard at it, but I’ve always enjoyed it. So after high school I chose University instead of the performing path that quite a few of my friends took. And then after 4 years of University I decided I wasn’t done yet. There was more I wanted to learn, so I applied for grad school. I chose academia again. Then I started grad school and I remember saying “man, this is tough.” But I knew I had a degree already. I had done this before. I could do it again.

And hey, if I couldn’t, my parents had always said I could drop out and come home, no questions asked. Having that safety net of quitting if it was too much was great.

And then I got a scholarship. I am so grateful for this scholarship. It’s allowing me to stay in school and not have to worry about working full time to support myself. It’s going to help get me to Hawaii. But it also took away that safety net. Because now I have to finish my degree – and on a time limit – or I lose the money. I’m a stubborn redhead, and the second I’m told to do something, I don’t want to do it.

Maybe this would be okay if I still had the goal of getting a PhD. This degree would be the next step to complete before applying for PhD programs and reaching my end goal of being Dr. Emerald.

In June, I went to my first conference. It was a huge international conference in the Netherlands. I enjoyed myself and learned a lot.

Number one being I don’t want to be in academia.

I don’t want to attend conferences and present my work and then spend the remainder of the conference having people question, critique, and pick apart my work. I don’t want to listen to other academics only want to talk about academia for 12 hours a day. I don’t want to sit in rooms where the women are continuously interrupted because the moderator would rather allow the men in the room to speak for 17 minutes of the woman’s 25 minute presentation. I don’t want to have to go to mandatory mixers and pretend to like drinking while older men sit a little too close and I have to be polite because this is still a professional setting. I don’t want to have to research and publish and research and publish and research and … just to maybe establish myself in a field where I still don’t feel good enough. I don’t want my twenties and thirties to be spent staring at this damn computer screen and crying every 35 hours or so because it’s stressful.

I no longer want a PhD. I no longer want to be stuck in academia.

Everyone keeps telling me how to make this PhD happen. My supervisors encourage me – even if I want to take a few years off – not to drop my topic. Older students tell me now that I’ve gotten one large amount of funding from the government, I am sure to get the PhD funding as well. An old professor tells me to focus on publishing because my program doesn’t have TA-ships, but publications look great on applications. I hear over and over again that a PhD is hard on your mental health, but it’s worth it!

My goals have changed.

And that’s okay.

In five years, I don’t want to be about to defend a dissertation.

In five years, I want some permanence. In five years, I want to finally have my dog. In five years, I want to be okay with where I am.

-Red Hot

If…

If I die young, strip me bare and wrap my legs in seaweed. Leave my hair down and tangled. If it’s not long enough, use seashells to cover my breasts. Or don’t. Throw me over the cliffs at sunset, or lay me on the ocean floor under the moonlight. Let the tide carry me out. Let my body disintegrate and become part of the sea. Tell the ocean I’m coming home. And let the people whisper of the girl who found beauty and magic in her fear of the water.

Siren

I’m sitting on the rocks – bare and exposed out of the water.

The waves of the ocean lick up the length of my limbs. Seaweed wraps around my ankles trying to tie them back into the tail I must have once had.

The ruby rocks act as stepping stones to my home. The coolness on my feet feels nice, but I want to be submerged in it.

I can see where the bay opens up to the larger seas and I feel an intense longing for it – despite having never been out there.

The ocean sings and I want to sing with it. I want to lure you to the rocky edge, watch you crash among the shore and sink, all because you were struck by my beauty.

I am certain that was once my past and I miss it.

“Come back,” she whispers.

Soon.