Do you ever get that feeling where you think you should be freaking out, but you’re weirdly calm? I don’t know if I’m just “going with the flow” for once in my life, or if I am so stressed and terrified that I am doing some serious repression that will take years to undo.
For the first time in my life, I don’t have a plan for the future.
And I’m doing okay.
Most of the time.
When you’re young, you have plans for the future; for what you want to be when you grow up, for the places you’ll travel, and the family you’ll have. You know that every September you’ll be back in school, with a few changes to class, teachers, and friends, but it’s still familiar.
When I was graduating high school, I had offers to multiple Universities. I had 3 possible routes that I could take. I had choice, but it was a plan.
When I graduated high school, I knew I would be attending the local University for a double major in English Literature and History (this has since changed to a major and minor respectively).
When I was done first year, I knew I was going to be working the night shift at a factory for the summer. Then I would go back to school in September.
After third year, I knew I wasn’t going back to that same factory. I didn’t have a solid plan for summer, but I knew I would get a job then head back to school in September.
I have one more day of classes left for my Undergrad. I have no summer job lined up. I have zero plans for April and May. I have yet to hear back from a graduate program I was ecstatic about. I tried to plan for a month of traveling Canada in July, but VIA Rail crushed that dream 12 hours after giving it to me.
I don’t know where I’ll be in September. There’s a chance that I won’t be going back to school, and that is both terrifying and exhilarating. I have so much freedom!
But good god, I don’t want this freedom yet!
I have so many more essays I want to write. I have so many more research ideas. I want to keep learning. I want to keep studying. I want to write and defend my thesis.
But it is legitimately out of my control right now.
I have no set plan.
I have ideas and hypothetical things I’d like to do depending on the job I can get for the summer, or if I don’t get into Grad School.
For once in my, life I can’t tell you where I see myself in five years. I’m scared, nervous, excited, anxious, a little stressed, and simultaneously both over and underwhelmed.
But I’m okay.