5.) Midnight Beauty Routine
Decided to straighten my hair at midnight, despite the fact that I had to be up early the next morning. I was in a bright blue sports bra. Only one of my eyebrows was plucked. Not the first time this has happened. I have been known to put “reshaping my eyebrows” ahead of “writing that paper that’s due tomorrow” multiple times.
4.) The Sober Tumble
I was dressed up as fire (it was a great costume!) at a friend’s Halloween party. Completely sober, because honestly I’m more talk when it comes to drinking. Me and some friends had been taking photos on this staircase all night. A group of guys were coming in the door upstairs so I went to move out of their way and completely tumbled my way down the stairs. Jumped up and played it off as if I was super wasted; was bruised for the next two weeks.
3.) The Drunk Dominoes
Okay I was actually drunk this time. It had just snowed and my friend and I were walking back from the bar. The streets were empty and we didn’t think it would be that long of a walk back to her place from the bar. We decide to save our cab money and just walk (keep in mind there was an actual blizzard outside and we were not dressed for the weather). Not even ten steps from the bar, there’s a car about to pull out of a parking lot. They wave us on. We take one step forward and the next thing I know my friend is falling into me and we both go down. The guys jumped out of the car and offered us a ride; we obviously denied and kept going on our own. Not the only time it happened that night. Not the only ride we were offered.
2.) Two Free Lap Dances
All I really have to say about this one is that the married middle aged women who were attending the show were not happy with *Archer’s preoccupation with me (also yes, I’m on a first name basis with my stripper friend).
1.) Grocery Store Nip Slip
I’d be lying if I didn’t admit that this was the original inspiration for this post and this blog. I think this was the moment when I knew I was truly a hot mess! A new grocery store had just opened near my house and I went to go check it out. But because I love tasteful sideboob and hate bras I ended up wearing a tank with oversized – arm holes, I guess? Either way, I had walked around the store for probably a good 5 or 10 minutes before I noticed that my shirt had shifted exposing my right boob and nipple. I was by myself. There was no one to warn me. I have still not forgiven myself.
*name changed for privacy reasons.